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Saturday, 20 October 2007
People react differently to criticism. The most common reactions are either getting angry and take it personally or else get unmotivated and simply give up in what you are doing (normally the subject of criticism). This post gives three tips on how to deal with criticism to avoid any of the two extreme reactions mentioned above.
Take suggestions irrespective of who suggests them
Sometimes people get angry when they are criticised by others who are not familiar with the subject or are younger. Don’t do that. Look only at the suggestion and not at who is suggesting it. That way you are open to criticism by anyone, irrespective of whether the person is an expert or not.
Don’t take it personal
Another reason why people get angry when they are criticised is that they associate the criticism with themselves. They think that the person criticising them is doing so, to ridicule them. This is not always true. There are many types of characters in the world, so some people will be honestly interested in helping you, whilst others want to demotivate you. People who want to demotivate you will misuse criticism and instead of making constructive criticism, they will criticise to destroy you psychologically. In either case, whether constructive criticism or malicious critcism, you should never get angry you since you will not solve anything that way. If the criticism is genuine you will annoy the person giving you advice. On the other hand if the criticism is malicious, by getting angry you will help your enemy (the person criticising you maliciously) win, cause in the end that is what they are after.
Don’t Reply immediately
Don’t rush to reply for the criticism being proposed. First allow the person doing the criticism to make a point, then think about the point before you start debating. First start on what you agree with the person, ending up with the points you do not agree on. This will help you create a relaxing conversation by pointing out the points you agree with first. By debating lastly the points which you do not agree on, you will make more impact since the last points are the most remembered.
Apart from the above three points, make sure that you always smile when you are being criticised. This will help you create a friendly debate and shows that you are confident in what you think.
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They are some good tips, I’ll have to use them next time.
James
I could have used this three months ago when I started a company with partners who like to remind me of my imperfections.
Good tips! But not always the easiest to follow. I’ll keep them in mind for my next project presentation…
Seconded. It’s “personally”.
“Don’t take it personal” sounds retarded.
“Nice advice, except your grammar is terrible. You write like a 10 year old.
That is constructive critisism btw.”
Not really. You didn’t give any examples of how his grammar was terrible. Also, you don’t give any suggestions on how to fix his grammar.
When someone criticizes you, try to get more information out of them. If someone were to say, “You’re so stupid” or “You’re irresponsible,” you should ask, “How am I stupid?” or “How am I irresponsible?” Asking these questions help you understand why you’re getting criticized in the first place. Also, if someone does criticize you, you shouldn’t make excuses or try to avoid it. Let the other person air their grievances. If you receive unwanted criticism, like someone randomly telling you to “F*** off” then don’t take it personally.
To curb that urge for an immediate response to criticism, I always write long and nasty email responding to each and every point.
Then I press
It always works..
To curb that urge for an immediate response to criticism, I always write long and nasty email responding to each and every point.
Then I press [delete]
It always works..
Good way to sort this out. Criticism can be a valuble thing if it’s handled correctly. - Eric Monse
Great Article…too bad about some of the anal retentive comments.
Regarding Trace the Retarded up there.
You’re stupid, you need anger management, and you need to remove your caps lock key. Not turn it off, remove it. I’m assuming you’re African-American.
“Don’t take it PERSONALLY”
Your first point seems to call into question the wisdom of judging an information source based on the quality of previous information, which is completely counter to any kind of functional reasoning. If someone has proven themseleves to be unreliable, either in some small sphere, or just overtly incompetant, I am *not* going to give their opinions equal weight to someone who’s advice has proven a valuable asset in the past, and to suggest I do otherwise is itself incompetance.
Your second point seems to suggest that the worst you will encounter in the workplace is someone trying to “demotivate you”, but I’ve seen ideas stolen, lives crushed, careers ended all due to pure opportunism. The truth is everyone is lazy, at least in that they want the minimum output for the maximum return, which results in a situation where in order to advance you must take opportunity, and in the optimization of that people do some pretty terrible things and glibly pass it off on the “dog eat dog” nature of things. Don’t be a drama queen, but don’t trust people’s motives either, just do your job and don’t look vulnerable.
The last heading is correct, but then you go on to say things like “smile during a disagreement”… now I’ll admit *most* of the time smiling is a sign of self-confidence, but during a hostile situation, smiling is a display of nervous fear. So I wouldn’t recommend it unless you are mostly wrong or afraid of confrontation. Personally, when someone tries some passive agressive BS like inserting things everyone agrees on to try and make the overall agenda seem more “compromising”, when in reality it’s just been loaded with fluff… I use the extra time to completely eviscerate the stuff on the agenda that *is* topical, so that when we get there it’s no contest. If it’s an email, I chuckle at the time they wasted and move on. Seriously, grow a pair and learn to work issues out like a grownup rather than a guidance counselor.
In fact, a combination of intelligence, respect and affection. Positive. If we do agree with these three tips - I do - another tough point is to recall them at the right time. Understanding is one thing, practicing is another. “To be or not to be”. Perhaps practicing helps to be.
A lot of people can use help in giving criticism. Complement someone first, say he did a great job or presentation but that you have some suggestions to improve it on certain points. Then alternate the bad and good, but always keep it constructive and friendly. After all, the point is to help someone do better next time.
@ Robert : You realize, of course, that assuming someone’s race, based on their ability or lack thereof, to properly use the capslock key, or their use of language, is as ridiculous as someone actually thinking that their point comes across better when typed all in capitals, and sprinkled with foul language? Perhaps you could think of a constructive way to phrase what you wanted to say?
There is an important aspect of the criticisms…
It’s how it is handed to you!
90% of the criticisms I received were given in an agressive way.
It’s like the green light given to the guy to spit all of his anger/stress on you.
Handling criticisms is “easy”.
Handling people’s justified (or not) agressivity is not.
One artticle I read said that, when something happens or someone says somthing, we attach a meaning to it (right or wrong), then react perfectly reasonably to that meaning, not illogically.
So when someone says something that sounds like criticism, the first thing you have to ask yourself is- Am I sure it means what I think it means? (am I just assuming their reason for saying it is a personal attack, based on memories of similar situations and people?). If you’re not sure what it means, then why not just ask them?
Perhaps a temptation in our scenario is to consider ourselves as the one who is right. I’d love to remember I may be wrong. Handling criticism in not only a smart way to prove that we are right, but rather to combine our arguments with others, without renouncing but without being stuborn. How often have I not thought “He/she has a point, but if I agree I’ll be eaten”!. A discussion is not a war, shouldn’t be. But sometimes it is tough, I agree.
great!
These tips could have been better ….
It depends. The sincerity of the advice is usually inversely proportional to voice volume and the size of the audience. Someone who whispers in your ear that your clothing or hair is messed up is more trustworthy than someone who bellows in front of a dozen guests, “Of course *I* never use starter fluid on *my* charcoals - I always build a newspaper base and have that light up, but then I cook out every weekend - you must not barbecue much, eh?”
I can’t stand advice givers who contradict themselves, who say you’re doing something far too much, and in the same sentence say you’re not doing it enough. Like, “you have to be more confident, though you’re showing way too much confidence.”
Another one is the one who always says you should have done differently AFTER you’re done, but gets angry and combative when you ask BEFOREHAND, “Okay, Mr./Miss Expert, how would you suggest I tackle this?” These people are often called Monday Morning Quarterbacks in the States. They’re as useful as screen doors on a submarine.
The worst is the one who appears when you’re mired in the middle of something, then says they did it 100 times before and doing 123 instead of ABC will work, but when you switch to 123 and still are in a mess, they bitch and fuss to get you to do ABC instead, so you’re back to what you were doing in the first place, before they appeared on the scene. They’re as necessary as a seamstress in a nudist colony.
I don’t see where these tips help with the above listed scenarios.
@ mts, if one follows the three tips here described, I believe your considerations will be resolved. Just think about their implications. A basis is always on the level of principles. One could say fear is the basis of these tips, not applied. One could assume that there is always a gap for he who searches it. Come on, just do it!
there are some better ways to handle the situation:
-laugh at the effectless effort he or she make in your mind.
- you can even insult him or her in your mind but dont looe your temper at all .
-feel sorry for him or her in your mind (not recommanded but is working).
- find the root of his mistake in your mind and make a bad judgment about his/her personality and dont help him or her to change beacase he or she expressing that he /she dont want to change to better state.
-
there are some better ways to handle the situation:
-laugh at the effectless effort he or she make in your mind.
- you can even insult him or her in your mind but dont looe your temper at all .
-feel sorry for him or her in your mind (not recommanded but is working).
- find the root of his mistake in your mind and make a bad judgment about his/her personality and dont help him or her to change beacase he or she expressing that he /she dont want to change to better state.
better ways to handle the situation:
in your mind:
-laugh at the effectless effort he or she make.
- you can even insult him or her but dont looe your temper at all .
-feel sorry for him or her (not recommanded but is working).
- find the root of his mistake and make a bad judgment about his/her personality and dont help him or her to change beacase he or she expressing that he /she dont want to change to better state.
better ways to handle the situation:
in your mind:
-laugh at the effectless effort he or she make.
- you can even insult him or her but dont looe your temper at all .
-feel sorry for him or her (not recommanded but is working).
- find the root of his mistake and make a bad judgment about his/her personality and dont help him or her to change beacase he or she expressing that he /she dont want to change to better state
Critisism in the guise of verbal abuse or name calling is counterproductive
and will lower the esteem of the individual on the receiving end of the critisism.
If it is given in good will without the intent to hurt and you
don’t feel attacked - then it can be taken constructively. -
I don’t listen to critisism when the other person is in attack mode.
Causing pain by destructive critisism is deliberate and cruel.
Dj is correct. Most criticism is NOT constructive. Most criticism is a weak-minded individual’s medium of expressing their own frustration.
You need to ask yourself this; “Was the intention of the criticism to help me or was it merely a dig at me?”
You may be surprised at how clear the answer to that question is. If it was the latter (more often than not), IGNORE IT COMPLETELY. Don’t let it affect you in any way - because the comment has no credibility. The criticizer simply took the opportunity to strike out at you when it arose.
Somebody here made the comment that you should laugh at the person. In many situations, this is unwise. But he has the right idea - there is no negative effect on you.